Recently, I was talking with a friend about the ins and outs of foster care and some of the things we have experienced with each of our foster children.  We were discussing, specifically, the dilemma of schooling when children are removed from their homes.  Each of our five foster children had to transfer into the school district in which we live at some point during their stay with us.  For four, that transfer was immediate.  Our current foster son was able to finish the school year in his current district, and then transfer before the upcoming school year.  

Anyone who fosters school-age children can tell you how difficult and disruptive transferring a child to a different school can be.  For many children, their school was their safe place where they were guaranteed a meal and an atmosphere free from abuse, neglect, and general chaos inside the home.  Teachers are mandatory reporters of abuse and neglect and often are the first to notice potential problems involving a student as they track absences, behavior changes, and emotional needs.  Consequently, removing a child not only from their home, but also their school, can have adverse effects on a child’s emotional and mental state.

In addition to the emotional problems attached to transferring to a new school, the logistical problems are huge.  After we took an emergency placement in October of 2019, the boys in our care were unable to go back to school for five days due to the paperwork involved in transferring schools, forensic interviews, doctor appointments and family visits.  Brian and I both had to juggle our full-time jobs while driving to and from appointments and without any child care help. 

I often hear “Kids are resilient!” in response to this dilemma, meaning that they will adjust, make new friends, love their new school, etc.  Yes, kids are resilient.  Kids with intact families are resilient.  Kids with supportive, engaged, and healthy parents are resilient.  Kids with three meals a day are resilient.  Kids with warm beds to sleep in are resilient.  

Kids who have experienced trauma CAN BE resilient.  Maybe. Sometimes.  Possibly.  Trauma, compounded over and over and over again, chips away at a child’s resilience when their brain has not yet fully developed to the point of being able to process trauma.  Kids should not have to have a reason to be resilient.  

A child witnesses their dad abusing their mom. ➡ TRAUMA

A child witnesses their mother overdosing on drugs. ➡ TRAUMA

A child routinely misses meals because there is no money for food. ➡ TRAUMA

A child is regularly made fun of at school because their clothes are dirty. ➡ TRAUMA

A child is removed from their home because of abuse and neglect. ➡ TRAUMA

A child is interviewed by police officers about what they saw in their home. ➡ TRAUMA

A child is handed over to strangers and told “this is your new home”. ➡ TRAUMA

And if that’s not horrible enough…

The child is then transferred to a new school district. ➡ TRAUMA

This is trauma compounded.  

All foster kids I have known have experienced more distressing and disturbing trauma than most adults I know.  Yet they are told to be resilient.  

The problem is that there is no optimal solution to removing this particular element of trauma.   There are not enough foster homes in most school districts to support the foster children in that district; therefore, transferring schools is often inevitable.   

The solution does not necessarily lie in trying to “fix” the system.  The broken system of foster care is perpetuated by the fact that it was built on broken families.  There is no fixing that so the next best solution is learning how to manage it.  

As a foster parent, it is my responsibility to ensure my foster child has the tools to manage their trauma and, hopefully one day, heal from it.  I don’t stand behind them, rooting them on, telling them to put on their big boy pants.  I stand beside them, telling them I will be there every step of the way.  On a practical level, that means dropping the 8th grader off at school on his first day instead of making him take the bus.  

We fill their cup up with enough positive experiences to hopefully mitigate the negative experiences. We take them to therapy.  We summon enormous amounts of strength to carry everyone through the day and on the bad days, we cry when we are alone in our car.  

Resilience is a wonderful trait to have, unless you are 7, 8, 9, 10, or 13.  Those are the ages of each of my foster sons when I met them.  

Resilience is not a given. While there are elements of foster care we can’t change or control, like school transfers, we can control our response to it and strive to give our children the tools to become resilient.