I am often asked what someone can do to support our family as we foster. When I started this blog, a few people asked me to write a post describing ways to support a foster family.  I chewed on that idea for a while, but I couldn’t come up with anything that I felt was really compelling.  

I realize that many people might feel awkward asking a foster family what they need, or perhaps they don’t realize how many needs they actually have.  I mean, it’s no different than having biological children, right?  Wrong.

Foster parents rely on many people to help them parent successfully – teachers, social workers, therapists, medical professionals, child care workers, etc. We turn to our friends, family, and neighbors for emotional and physical support.  

Here’s the thing, everyone can help, but often not in the same way.  So when people ask, what can we do to help? Here’s my response: Be the Village.

The well-known statement “It takes a village to raise a child” comes from an African proverb that emphasizes how important and influential the community is in child-rearing.  This sentiment could not ring truer when it comes to fostering children.

So, I decided that this post needed to be as honest and candid as possible  In order to do that, I am going to share with you the timeline and details of our last foster care placement and what it was like when we initially got “the call”. 

It was Tuesday, October 29, 2019.  At 4 p.m., I was driving home from work when I got a call from our county’s foster care coordinator.  She told me CPS was on their way to remove four children from their home and she was wondering if we would take the 7 and 9 year old boys.  I called my husband and we said yes. We were told that in two hours we would need to pick them up from the county’s administration building.  Cue the panic. We didn’t have anything for 7 and 9 year old boys, we had no idea what sizes they wore, and no idea their likes and dislikes. The only thing we knew were their first names. 

We drove to the store and threw a couple of stuffed animals and some clothes and socks (all of which ended up being the wrong size) in our cart. Then we drove to the county’s administration building and waited.  We waited and waited and waited. They should have been there by now, but after a call to the social worker, they were still in the process of removing them from their home. So we drove to Culver’s, ordered some dinner that we nervously choked down, and waited some more.  At 9 p.m., we were finally able to pick them up – two stunned boys that looked like they were 5 and 7, not 7 and 9. We handed them the McDonald’s Happy Meals we had brought for them and watched as they said good-bye to their teenage sister and baby brother.  

Then we drove “home”. 

Home for us, hell for them.

The next week was an absolute whirlwind of appointments.  Within 24 hours, a social worker came to make sure placement and accommodations were appropriate.  Within 48 hours, I had to drive them into the inner city for medical appointments and forensic interviews with social workers, a doctor, and a detective. Yes, forensic interviews at 7 and 9 years old.  The day after that, we went to visit and enroll them in their new school. Then, another social worker visit to again make sure placement and accommodations were appropriate (as if they had changed from two days earlier).  And within five business days of their removal, they were required to have a visit with their birth family, the same family that the court was actively protecting us from because of the violence that surrounded their case.  

Did I forget to add that my husband and I were both working full-time jobs? Or that we had a freak snowstorm in October two days after they arrived and we had no boots or snow pants for them? Or that they arrived each with a backpack with no more than two outfits, one of which included a pair of shorts?  Or that the shoes they were wearing were two sizes too small and had holes in them? Or that they had no school supplies?

I don’t share this to pat ourselves on the back so everyone says, “Oh, look what a great thing you did!” Many people do great things and those great things come in all different forms.  

I am sharing this because this is the reality of foster care.  There are over 400,000 children in foster care on any given day in the United States.  This scenario happens hundreds, if not thousands, of times each day across this country.  

So, what can you do to help a foster parent?  

1.    Order pizza, offer restaurant gift cards, or bring over meals.  Food, man, it’s a love language! But seriously, we are often so overwhelmed by therapy appointments, medical appointments, birth family visits, and school meetings that we barely have time to plan meals.  We will probably never ask people to bring us a meal and if you ask if we need anything, we will say no. So we need you to say to us, “I am bringing you dinner on Tuesday night, what time should it be ready”.  Don’t give us a choice, just do it. 

2.    Send encouraging texts or notes.  Our first two foster sons lived with us for three years before they returned to live with their dad.   I have a handful of hand-written notes that were given to us after they left that are so special to me and were a huge encouragement during a very difficult time in our lives.  Words matter, and I am grateful for the kind words that were shared with us. 

3.    Offer to babysit or provide respite care.  Some people are afraid to offer child care to foster kids because they are afraid those kids might act a certain way or say something awkward or uncomfortable. Foster kids are like most other kids – if they get to hang with people once in a while who treat them like they’re pretty cool, it’s a win for everyone (and you might even learn it’s not that uncomfortable).  While some people don’t want to step outside their comfort zone for a night of babysitting, there are foster parents out there debating whether or not this placement will be their last because they have nobody to watch their kids so they can have a much needed break.  

4.    Invite our foster kids to play with your kids.  Not only do foster children lose their birth families, their school, and their community when they are removed from their home, they also lose their friends.  It is so important for foster children to have normal social interactions with other kids. Isolation and feelings of loss are extremely detrimental to a foster child’s mental health.  Having friends helps.

5.    Pray.  For foster parents, foster children, birth parents, social workers, teachers and other individuals who are instrumental in influencing a foster child’s life.  For patience, perseverance, protection, strength, wisdom, and discernment. 

While these are all specific ways to help foster parents, are we not called to be kind and love our neighbor?  While not everyone may know a foster family or a foster child, we all know someone who needs a little extra encouragement. Be the helper.  Be the one that makes a difference in someone else’s life. Be the Village.