Those of us who have lived in the trenches of foster care have heard it uttered many times:

“You signed up for this.”

A technically true, but cold and insensitive response to what was surely a foster parent venting their frustrations with the foster care system, their nine billionth call from their foster child’s school, or the day-to-day toils of raising a child with a traumatic background.  

Yes, I did sign up for this.

I have come to a crossroads in our foster care journey where I can no longer take a middle ground approach when it comes to answering the innocuous question, “How are you?”. Depending on the situation, I either answer “fine”, or I bury the individual asking the question in a total brain dump of stress and anxiety.

“You signed up for this.”

Thank you for reminding me.

There are countless articles and blog posts with examples of clever and witty responses to such a statement as “you signed up for this”.  I have been quick to huff and puff and drown myself in self-pity at the insinuation that somehow I deserved whatever the stressor was at that moment.  It has never occurred to me to say to a mother who has given birth to her children, “you signed up for this”, while she’s soothing babies and corralling toddlers simultaneously with an overwhelmed expression on her face.  How absurd that would be of me. And rude…and insensitive…and unhelpful…but I digress.

I didn’t sign up for physically restraining an 11 year old boy while he raged in front of other parents and workers at before school care.  

I didn’t sign up for scrubbing puke off of walls and out of carpet because the kids ate until they were sick the day before at a visit with their birth parent.

I didn’t sign up to be told that a birth parent has a habit of threatening their children’s caretakers.  

I didn’t sign up for the loneliness I would feel when I found out people don’t always want to sit with you in the hard places.

However, those things come with the territory of foster care.  

Did the kids sign up to be separated from their siblings?

Did they sign up to be physically, sexually, and emotionally abused?

Did they sign up to move in with complete strangers?

Did they sign up to be abruptly removed from their school and community?

A child’s safety and security comes at the cost of my comfort and convenience, and I’m okay with that. 

I wholeheartedly, passionately, and without much hesitation signed up for this.  I signed up to help ease the fears of kids who have been abruptly removed from their homes and everything they have ever known, whether good or bad.  I signed up to hug and hold kids while they attempt to heal from their broken past.  I signed up to cheer for kids as they achieve milestones in school that nobody thought they would ever reach.  I signed up for all of the drives to birth parent visits, therapy, and doctor appointments.  I signed up to be the temporary anchor that would allow these kids to know what it means to have a stable adult in their life.

So, when someone says to me, “you signed up for this”, it can be irritating knowing often the motive behind that statement is one that implies I shouldn’t be complaining or venting or struggling.  But you should know that although the daily grind is hard, and although sometimes the trials seem to outweigh the victories…

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS.