The term “self-care” is one of those trendy concepts that has become widely overused in most corners of the internet.  In fact, I would venture to say that it has been promoted out of context and is now synonymous for “do whatever makes you feel good”.  A term that was meant to encourage mental, physical, and emotional health is now a throw away term with an elastic meaning. Social media tells us to indulge and drown our sorrows all in the name of “self-care”.  

It may sound like I’m being unnecessarily hard on the concept of self-care…and you would be right…I am. Chocolate, wine, and bubble baths may calm and soothe you after a bad day at work, but they will only temporarily mask the complicated emotions and feelings that foster care permanently stamps on you. 

What are those emotions, you ask?  Foster parents know them well.

Grief. Anxiety. Depression. Fear. Secondary Trauma.

These are just some of the heavy, deep emotions foster parents feel on a regular basis. We experience them on an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual level.  We are fatigued by them on a daily basis.

This might not seem like a very encouraging message for those who want to become foster parents.  And that is exactly why aspiring foster parents need to read this, because it’s real. This is life when you are entrenched in foster care.

I’ll say it again for those in the back:

Grief. Anxiety. Depression. Fear. Secondary Trauma.

When we started foster care in 2016, we had no idea what to expect and no seminar, book, conversation, or training session could have prepared us for what we would soon experience. I wish I would have known what I know now at the beginning of our foster care journey.

There is information foster parents learn about our foster children and their families that we safely tuck away and keep safe from everyone else.  Information that is horrific, barbaric, sensitive, and sad. Information that shocks you to your core, that makes you question humanity, and leaves you speechless.  This information adds up over time and as time goes on, it becomes more burdensome to carry around.

Chocolate, wine, and bubble baths don’t exactly cut it.  Foster parents need quality self care and rest, and that’s hard to do.  It’s hard to make yourself a priority when you spend your days advocating for abused and neglected children, but it’s so important if you expect to be in the foster care arena long-term.  

So what is self-care?  I don’t believe there is an exact science to determine what that is, but I do believe there are certain things we can do to ensure we are better prepared to handle the stressors of foster care.

Learn to say no.  No to things that really aren’t important to you. No to things that make you feel guilty.  No to people who stress you out. No to overtime at work.  

Say no to complicated meals.  If your season of life means you eat more boxed macaroni and cheese and frozen chicken nuggets than you would like to admit, supplement it with fruits and vegetables and let it go. 

Say no to micromanaging your kids. Do their clothes not always match in the morning? Did they miss a night of reviewing their spelling words?  In the grand scheme of things, none of that will matter. Sending them off to school in the morning with a positive attitude is more important than curating perfect outfits.

Say yes. Yes to staying at home more. Yes to respite care.  Yes to asking for help. Yes to making time for your own hobbies.

Say yes to seeing a therapist.  Foster care may very well trigger past trauma you have experienced or force you to address other struggles and insecurities in your life.  There is no shame in needing professional guidance to work through hard things.

Say yes to medications (prescribed by your doctor, of course).  Forget the stigma that relying on meds somehow makes you weak, less capable, and inadequate.  In my third year of foster parenting, my stress and anxiety manifested itself in the form of daily, debilitating migraines.  I was forced to address it with prescription meds and after about a year, I was able to wean myself off of them under my neurologist’s supervision.  The point is that there may come a time in your life where all the sleep, essential oils, and yoga do not give you what you need. Do not be ashamed to seek medical help.

This is self-care.  This is preserving yourself.  This is advocating for yourself.

While I do think bubble baths and getting your nails done (if that’s your thing) are all great stress relievers and important morale boosters, those activities only provide momentary relief.  The type of self-care foster parents need prioritizes self-preservation so we are able to continue caring for the at-risk children we all feel so strongly called to serve.

We have all heard the mantra “you can’t save others if you don’t save yourself first”.  Foster parents, I urge you to save yourself. Not in a selfish, self-centered kind of way, but from the perspective of defense.  Defend yourself from the mental, emotional, and physical stress that we have all eagerly signed up for. We need to do it for ourselves, and we need to do it for the children in our care.

***Side Note: For those of you reading this who are not foster parents, but know foster parents…check in on your foster parent friends.  They won’t tell you this and they won’t ask for it, but they need you. Not everyone can foster, but everyone can do something to support families who do foster.